It’s Been a While

Deep breaths.

A big mug full of hot water to sip on.

Fluffy plaid slippers.

A story on for my son to listen to.

The other is napping.

The cat asleep on the couch beside me.

The dog waiting impatiently for her walk.

This is my life. Moments compiled together which in my head, create stories.

The past 3 years, most of my moments shared on social media have had one goal in mind, creating an income online.

Have they been helpful? Yes, I’m told by many how uplifting, inspiring and helpful my posts have been.They have been vulnerable, real, honest, raw, personal and for me, healing. So I’m not saying it’s been BAD, and making money is also not bad, but I have grown. I have become more aware. And with that, there has been a shift in my heart which has created upheaval in my entrepreneurial journey.

I don’t care anymore about what posts catch your eye, or break the almighty algorithm for more visibility and thus sales and business. More than ever, I want impact, not popularity. I really wanted to belong for a long time, to find somewhere to fit in, to find a group that takes me in and loves who I am.

And I’ve found that. And it wasn’t enough. Because money and finding others to love me never fulfilled me. It exposed the chink in my shell as it were.

It couldn’t sound more cliche or trite than this, but here it is.

I didn’t love myself. I wasn’t content with myself. Money and somewhere to belong is external validation. What if that person leaves my team? What if my income drops? I just kept seeing over and over in my failure that I was still moving forward in joy, in contentment and falling more and more in love with my life.

My idea of success has changed completely!

Success is not six figures, it’s not $500 … success is being present with my kids, even if I’m not able to pay for next week groceries with my #sidehustle. Success is doing what we can, being responsible with what we have and trusting that God will care for my family.

Success is not having my schedule figured out and time blocked perfectly so I can get everything done in a day, but instead it’s having some kind of routine while still allowing flexibility for my kids to be kids, and to create quiet times in our day where we sit down and write, read and listen to stories. Success is being able to relax in the midst of chaos, and not living for the hustle.

Do I want an income that will help my family and give us the lifestyle we dream of? Yes! Of course! But lately that endeavour has felt at the expense of my soul.

Over the past four years I’ve been chasing worldly desires, and left behind chasing God and His desires for my life. I’ve missed passion, I’ve missed worship, I’ve missed being deeply apart of God’s family. He’s never left me, but I in the depths of depression and anxiety I’ve felt invisible and lost.

I don’t know how to create an income online in a way that aligns with my entire soul.

Which is why here, that’s not what I’m trying to do.

I’m here to share.

To create conversation.

To ask important questions like why the hell do we pray when bad things still happen? And are the beliefs I hold actually true, or is the Jesus we think we know a lot more radical and kind of sick of the way we do church right now?

Or … why do so many mothers suffer anxiety and depression now? Is it just talked about more or is it happening more?

Do cell phones and social media kill relationships? Families? What is technology doing to us really? Or is it just some of us?

Can we sell it all and live on the road in a trailer with my kids, dog, cat and WIFI?

Are we robbing our children of roots, childhood friendships and a church home or am I gifting them experiences beyond their imagination and the ability to see that it’s ok to live and be different?

Should we as Christians be vegan? Or look for ethical meat? Does God care? Did God give us animals to consume them?

How do you have sex when you’re tired, depressed, anxious, trying to mom and create an income online? Who are these super women? Why am I broken?

How do you find the fun and carefreeness you had post kids in your relationship now when you have preschoolers and toddlers, mental health issues and no money?

I have so many “oh I’m gunna go there” Things for here.

No more games, no more live videos on FB sharing for viewership.

Blogging aligns with my soul. I feel content here. Undistracted. At ease.

See you next week.

This is gunna be fun.

 

 

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