On Birth, Fear and Strength

I am scared.

Labor scares me. I had a C-Section with my first so I am considered a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) and am currently with a group of doctors that feels they know my needs best and are quite rigid in their methods, leaving me feeling as though I have very little say and that I will have to fight for myself the whole way through delivery in order to deliver.

Lately, I have been consumed by fear. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep, maybe it’s the never ending tantrum my son seems to be in…maybe it’s that I’m 35 weeks pregnant and still working and it’s kicking the crap out of me. Maybe it’s everything. But the truth is, I talk strong to combat the fear.

I don’t like the idea of someone telling me what’s best for my body when I know I know it best. And I don’t like that they seem very uncomfortable with me voicing my opinions if they conflict with theirs.

I’m not a pushover, and confrontation does not bother me, but I don’t want to go into my first labor experience knowing I’m going to have to fight to have my voice heard.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Doctors, and I’m pro safe baby. I value input and opinions, but I also value someone who will take their knowledge and match it with my preferences, and who will ultimately consider my opinion and wishes as highly as they consider their own.

I consider myself to be extremely body aware. I know myself, I know my strengths. I have spent my entire pregnancy exercising and taking care of my body in preparation for labor and here I am 5 weeks out, tired and massive and so done … just wanting someone to hear me and to validate my birth wishes.

I wanted a midwife with my first desperately and in my province, as it’s publicly funded, it feels impossible to get in with one. Come the second time, again, it was too late by week 6 of my pregnancy and upon hearing from my Dr’s that I’m considered a high risk birth, I was told a midwife wouldn’t take me. I now know I was misinformed and wish I had been contacting midwives this whole time.

You see, I’ve never had a contraction. My water has never broke. I never lost my mucus plug. I got nothin. And that contributed a lot to my post partum depression, having so desperately wanting to experience labor and get through birth knowing I am strong and capable.

Yes, I’m one of those.

I don’t care that my vagina is fully intact after a c-section. I don’t care that I didn’t have to worry about tearing. I don’t care about any of it.

I cared about something I felt was a right of passage that I was robbed of, and I’m not interested in fighting for my birth my way, even though I might have to. What I am interested in is someone to come along side me and say, you can do this, you are safe, you know your body. Tell me what you need.

If you know me, I have all the feelings, all the time, and it takes endless words for me to typically make sense of them …

And I’ve come to this conclusion having written this far …

I’m praying for a Doctor or a Midwife who will take care of my heart. Who will give me their professional opinions on keeping the baby safe, but all the while respecting me as a woman and a mother capable of making her own choices, and having them valued and respected.

I am a reasonable person; I will never choose a natural birth over the life of my child.

I will fight for my VBAC. I will fight for my birth, my way. I will exercise, and eat healthy and drink water every single day to prepare for this fight. Not only because it will make my body strong, but it makes my mind strong.

Fitness is a test of the muscle in our heads and in our hearts, and I’m about to prove to myself and my doctors just how strong that muscle is.

Because I am smart.

Because I am capable.

Because I am a woman made in the image of God, and God is a warrior.

And as such, so am I.

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