I can’t seem to figure out how to word this. I’ve tried blogging this for months and it endlessly falls short of the words I would love to give it.
But I keep saying fitness saved me. I was depressed. I was so low I quite seriously contemplated letting my family adopt my son, as I was clearly unfit to be his mother. I laid in bed crying. My house was filth because I didn’t even know how to pick up a plate to wash it; I literally was overwhelmed by every little aspect of life. I couldn’t deal.
And as most of you know, I rediscovered my love of fitness, and newly discovered a love for a nutritional supplement called ShakeOlogy. The first time I had it, it was like a drug. My mind was totally clear. I should find the video I recorded … I was in absolute tears because of how incredible I felt. Awake, energetic, like a fog had lifted. I finally understood what getting all the nutrients my body needs daily looked like, and I was hooked.
Fast forward from there and I was working out again with a program called CIZE, and I just cried at the end of every workout. The release, the joy…I suddenly was me again. Fitness and nutrition saved my life.
But shouldn’t I be saying Jesus did? After all, I’m a Christian who believes Jesus saves… I was depressed. I still struggle on the day to day.
And I struggled with this thought for months. I would dive into books every day on personal development and not once did I touch my Bible; and somehow I felt I was growing closer to Him. But on the other hand I felt shame.
How could I, who loved Jesus so fervently, give so much to fitness and reading books and not Bibles, not getting up early to pray but willing to roll out of bed to hit play…how could I say fitness saved me when Jesus is the one who saves?
Simply put, I find my freedom in fitness. I find Jesus there. It’s meditative for me. Clears my head and heart. It paves the way for me to see Him who gave me eyes to see.
I just started reading my Bible daily 3 days ago. Because I didn’t force myself to. I didn’t tell myself I was a bad Christian for not doing it. Because I didn’t let legalism dictate my actions. I let my heart, which I trust God resides in, guide me.
I didn’t let the lies fill my heart. I didn’t let them stop me. Because it has in the past. I force myself to believe I should read the Bible and not other books or get up early for other things and it always derailed me leaving me a failure, again.
But here I am. Believing that it is ok to say fitness and Jesus are one and the same for me. This is apart of who I am, how I was made. And that it’s ok for Him to speak to me in a workout and in the Bible and in other books that aren’t “Christian books”. Because God can speak to us anywhere, any time, we just need to listen, and be ready to respond.
God pointed me in this direction so He could speak to me. I started exercising again so I could hear him. So I could escape the prison of my mind telling me to give up. That motherhood simply wasn’t for me.
We were created to move. We were created to be free. He freed me to move. Fitness freed me to listen.
So did fitness save me? Or did Jesus?