On Starting Over

It’s ok to start over. In fact, it’s bloody brave of you.

Right now, I’m starting over.

We are in a society that values success as starting something and never quitting, never wavering, never falling down.

Well I value getting back up. I value those who say my journey does not end here.

The choices we make to be better…to do better, sometimes they’re easy to let go of. Because life gets in the way. It just does.

Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad because life happened. It’s what we do before, during and after life happens that matters.

My choice to be better was to put myself first. And for me, that’s working out and eating well. I became a personal fitness coach to steer my passion, hold me accountable, help other women like me and clean up my messy brain.

And then I just made one small choice that wasn’t in the right direction…then again the next day. Then it got harder and harder to steer back on course, and here I am two weeks later, encouraging others to do their best, be their best…and I’ve fallen. Hard and fast.

I don’t know why I feel so weird saying this, but I do. I struggle with depression.

And I think maybe I feel weird is because I think I’m diminishing other people’s struggles because I don’t want to kill myself every day…I don’t cry all day…maybe because it started when my son was born and do I really get to call it that? Isn’t it just post partum? Does that make it any less? Well you know what?

Depression doesn’t look like I thought it did. Not at all.

And I think what I see now is that it looks different for everyone, but we all “know the feeling.”

What did it look like for me today? Aimless. My son is sick and I used that as my excuse as to why I did nothing, but it’s not the truth.

I’m sitting around more. Letting dishes pile up more. Being on my phone in front of my kid more. Zoning out. Screaming at my dog because she can’t tell me how much my anger hurts her. Feeling  less energy every day. Letting the fog settle into my brain and losing the ability to make small choices, like how to start making dinner.

Depression looks like a tired mom, but one who’s “getting by”. It’s lack of patience, it’s anger at my husband for literally everything and nothing. It’s anxiety. Panic over the little things that I can’t control.

And so, I start over. Making one small positive step every day.

Except, maybe it’s not really starting over…

I already have a foundation to build on; one I’ve been working on for months now. I’ve developed skills, like how to take a deep breath and just pick up a few toys, and go from there. How to take my vitamins in the morning, or drink my shake even if I just. don’t. want to. Like the action of lifting my arms to make it all is just too much to handle. But I do it anyways. It’s small. I can handle small.

So starting over really isn’t starting over at all, not for me … and not for you.

You’ve come a long way already, and you’re stronger than you think.

Whatever it is you’ve been trying to do more of in life, you’ve come a long way my dear.

There is no ground zero. You can look back but you can’t get there, because the person you were then is gone. You’ve grown.

Your actions and feelings may be familiar, but oh how you grew.

Remember that.

And take action.

Don’t sit in the fog.

Reach out.

Find help.

Make a move.

So if you’re starting over with me this week, let me know just one area you feel stronger in even though you feel like you’re failing, and I want you to comment, then write it down and stick it to the mirror, and I want that success to fuel your frustration at falling backwards to the point where you get so angry you tear apart the chains holding you down.

I want you to fight.

I want you to break free.

Remember, you are strong. You are brave. And you will succeed.

One bloody inch at a time.

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