Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

We’ve come miles from where we started. From feeling sorry for ourselves, to taking control of our lives, setting good habits in motion, and getting in the shape we’ve always wanted to be. Well, the shape I’ve always hoped to maintain while pregnant. Fit. Healthy.

We’ve felt strong; we’ve felt hope.

We didn’t expect to be pulled backwards so soon.

I’ve talked a lot about finding your why, so that when life punches you in the face, you’re ready to fight back, and right now I’m on the precipice of falling.

Falling back into self pity. Back into why me’s. Back into blaming my son for all my circumstance.

“Well, my son doesn’t sleep…”

And he doesn’t. He’s up for at least an hour in the middle of the night, every single night.

But I let this define him, and I let it define us, and it’s not fair.

None the less, I find myself today deflated. Lucas and I have come so far, eating so well, working out every day, and we’re sliding back into survival mode basics.

Eat to live, try a little less, be grumpy, be moody, clean less … do less … be less.

It’s a hard place to be, and I’m not sure where there’s balance.

I do not do no sleep well. It completely wrecks me emotionally … but my questions is, is it because I let it?

I don’t know. Not yet. I guess I’ll find out .

I really thought I had until wooga (baby 2…baby 1 is booga. So naturally, booga wooga) was born to set my intentions and habits so I could handle this well. Turns out, life always has other plans, and it’s time to see what we’re made of.

Our fitness is going to look different right now. You can’t perform and push your body to new limits on little sleep. I don’t think it’s safe or smart.

I have nothing to prove to anyone. I don’t need to appear like superwoman, working out while pregnant and not sleeping. I don’t care if other women do it. Ok I care a little. I wonder if i could … but then I remind myself that I know me best. That I am my own expert, and only I have to answer for what I do and don’t do.

So if you worked out even though your kid was up every 2 hours for 2 years, kudos. But that’s not me. Yea we lose sleep sometimes, and I work out through it sometimes. But not this time. This time, I need to recognize that if I push too hard, I will push myself back into exactly what I’m trying to stay out of. (link to my first post describing what that is)

So, what do I do now? 

What can I do now?

What can a mom, with a list of things to do all the time regardless of how much sleep she gets, focus on when sleep leaves and we’re forced into survival mode?

Here’s my new survival mode list for myself:

  1. EAT! Don’t be lazy with food. This takes NO extra energy, it’s a mind game. Eat clean, eat to fuel your body because even if you take a break from fitness, your body still needs good healthy fats, protein, veggies etc to help you not get sick and to give you energy through those really really hard days. Mom’s, we always eat last. But what do they tell you to do on a plane in case of emergency? Put your air mask on first, because you can’t help your kids if you pass out.
  2. VITAMINS/SUPPLEMENTS! I have to remember to drink my shakeo every. single. day. It’s my guaranteed nutrition, vitamins, probiotics, superfoods, energy and so much more all in one, and it’s the easiest to make. I have no excuses. I have to make it non-negotiable. Also, take my B12’s and my folic acid.
  3. PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT! Read your Bible. Pray. Spend just ten minutes feeding your mind with something encouraging. A book. Meditation. Whatever that is to you, you have to fuel your mind as well as your body. You can’t stop feeding your brain, this keeps you focused and remembering the big picture.
  4. FITNESS! Get some kind of endorphin rush. Go for a walk, do some squats and pushups. Get your blood pumping in some way shape or form. Just because you aren’t pushing hard, doesn’t mean you’re giving up. You can do something. I can do something.
  5. HYGIENE! What? Yes. Mom’s forget this. Again, we’re busy putting ourselves last. Depression/sleep exhaustion often means forgetting or not caring about these little things. So make it part of your survival guide.
    1. Brush your teeth
    2. Wash your face
    3. If you can’t shower that day, wipe down the essentials with a baby wipe. Yes, I’m serious, but also, the baby can wait a few minutes while you shower quick. This is something I didn’t do with my first because I couldn’t stand the crying. Literally. Any crying and I felt like I had to hop out of my shower and get him, leaving me soaking wet, soapy and crying because I couldn’t do anything.
    4. Put on some blush. Braid your hair. Put an extra pretty headband on. Do something that will give you a smidge of joy as you leave the house to get groceries.


I’ve taken care of 1 and 2 today, now I’m off to finish my survival list, and see where that leaves me.


Take it easy moms and dads. This gig gets rough, and you have no one’s standards of a “good mom and dad” but your own. Kids fed, kids healthy, kids kinda clean? Cool. Win.


Don’t give up. I’m told this passes. It will pass.


What’s on your survival guide?



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