A Fitness Fraud

I wish you could see not just the physical transformation of the girl in this picture, but the mental.
On the left, I had just finished a year abroad with the most amazing missions organization YWAM. My life was turned right side up, and I was transformed.
But do you know what I look back on and remember? Pretending to be more than I was.
I liked to run, I liked to eat healthy … but it was an ACT. It was so I could pretend I loved myself, and pretend that I was doing all I could do to love myself in the best way possible.
I used to talk ENDLESSLY about eating well and working out, and not actually LIVING that lifestyle, and I walked around with tremendous internal conflict and guilt.
Why did I feel the need to lie? Because I wanted it, and I didn’t know how to do it, and I didn’t have the discipline either. So I pretended.
I pretended to be happy, I pretended when I said “God loves me this way, so I love me this way”
The truth was, I didn’t love me this way. And I can tell you, I never ONCE felt fat.
I never EVER recall feeling too big. Not loving my body externally.
What I do recall was knowing I was capable of more, and not doing it.
Unfulfilled potential is like a heavy rock that sits inside you and does nothing. But the thing is, the longer you carry it, the heavier it feels until one day it’s almost unbearable.
We all have a calling on our lives to find the treasure God has buried inside, and it’s our JOY to find it, and to have joy in it.
Yes, my legs are smaller. Yes, my arms are smaller. Yes, my face is less round, but if you could only see my heart.
It’s gotten so big ❤
The photo on the right was taken before I had my son, and once I had him, I lost that girl, again. 4 months ago, I would have told you she’s gone, and I don’t know where to find her.
But I found her, once again.
We are capable of more than what we give ourselves credit for; we can accomplish everything we ever dreamed of accomplishing. God has given us all the tools. But will we pick them up? Will we learn how to use them? Will we improve our skills until they become like a limb, that we control without any effort?
I now have the tools, and it’s more than fitness. It’s more than a shake; it’s a community, it’s a way of life. It’s fulfilling the desires of my heart that have been placed there for a purpose.
And now I’m using that joy and spreading it around. Let me know if you want some.
You are capable.
You are worthy.

2 thoughts on “A Fitness Fraud

  1. love that you have transformed and transcended. I love that you have allowed your true being to be present. To be allowed to rise up and be who you need to be. To be honest, open and forgiving. Thanks for being a human who walks in your own shoes. much love, j


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